One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized