@shesananteater: One day my GPS is gonna say, "You should know this one by now" and shut off.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You're not like other girls. 3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
@Jennuflect: [me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
@NicestHippo: WIFE: He thinks he's a news anchor DOCTOR: Is this true ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]