One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.