I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there