Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.