One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free