One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no