Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
channeling her this year
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―