One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
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[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*