@Tw1tter_K1tten: One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"
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@KeetPotato: wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?
@joejwest: [pet shop] ME: I'm looking for a dog that can talk OWNER: Try this one ME: [to dog] Can you talk? DOG: No ME: My search continues
@Tharin_P: Why learn a second language, when you don't have anything interesting to say in your first one?
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Overheard 2 dad's at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me. Joke's on them. I don't have kids.