One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me driving through Toronto
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok