“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!