If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other