@hazelmotes1: One day you'll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you're thinking right now
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@Shot_Of_Cabo: (CPR class) Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt? Me to instructor: See what I'm up against?
@LaziestCanine: Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you Me: yes, he was not very friendly
@Reverend_Scott: DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
@SortaBad: After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.