My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
You Might Also Like
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
the council will decide your fate
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.