One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.