One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I bet birds love this building.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan