One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.