@simoncholland: One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don't want to do.
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@JustDontBugMe: Her: Those ants are working so hard. Me: We could learn from them. Ant1: Humans are staring. Ant2: Yes, they'll spray some shit on us. Run!
@bobvulfov: BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death— [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
@Sassafrantz: [lays down] Me: Feels so good to close my eyes. Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.
@KateWouldHaveIt: Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking "FAQs" was short for "Facts".