@simoncholland: One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don't want to do.
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@Smooheed: Jobs I'd be shit at: -brain surgeon -rocket scientist -ventriloquist -goat herder -sober person thingy
@theshamingofjay: The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
@TheDjinnTrials: Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.