One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
You Might Also Like
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
At least he brought enough for everyone
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Meat Cute
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –