ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”