My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My birthstone is kidney
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.