One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.