One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
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her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them