One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me