@badbanana: One horribly inappropriate comment and you'll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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@DirtMcTurd: [texting drug dealer] "You around? I was gonna stop by." Yeah what are u looking for? "I stopped doing drugs, I just miss you"
@theshantilly: Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago. Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
@pixelatedboat: To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso... oh that was you, nice