One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!