One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
When I said I liked it rough.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”