One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
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Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
mom had nothing to worry about
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Well, that didn’t work.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do