One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
dutch so unserious
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.