You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.