The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!