@MumbaichaTapori: One man's girlfriend is another man's Twitter password.
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@EddieHarris216: Announcer: The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I'm now being told a magician has run on the field.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision. Me: OK, what do you need me to do? 5-year-old: Go find Mom.
@Midgetspar: On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says "choose your destiny" so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.