@MumbaichaTapori: One man's girlfriend is another man's Twitter password.
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@Eagle_Vision: When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.
@Beatonm5: Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
@Springaling85: Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying "you never called! Our son is 5 now" then walk away....always brightens my day
@thegreatnanak: She: why are you dressed up as a duck? Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?