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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Best table by far
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
asking santa clause for nudes
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.