@mofrorock: One man's sprinkler is another man's bidet
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@sarcasticmommy4: How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target: Son: Mom, can you buy this for me? Me: I'm not your Mom. Son: Mom, stop. Me: Let's go find your Mom. Son: MOM, STOP! Me: SECURITY!
@robdelaney: Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.
@DurtMcHurtt: I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
@theshamingofjay: Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone. When did you get electricity in your cave?