@mofrorock: One man's sprinkler is another man's bidet
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@peteholmes: train me. no. train me. okay. training montage. the big fight. i'm glad you trained me. i'm glad i trained you. #everyboxingmovie
@DaHess1: I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it's negative.
@chrissyteigen: I don't like charging my phone on the plane because a large part of me feels like I am sucking energy and power from the engine
@peeznuts: Child in a car: Strap them to the seat or you will be fined and jailed. Bus full of children: They'll be fine just throw em in there.