@mofrorock: One man's sprinkler is another man's bidet
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@Underchilde: Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.
@WilliamRodgers: Dr: Smoking weed causes memory loss Me: How? Dr: It just does Me: What just does? Dr: Smoking weed causes memory loss Me: How?
@Shock_Monster: If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick: My girlfriend.
@NicestHippo: "Your evolutionary biology thesis is rejected." Why? "You added (lmao) every time you mentioned Homo Erectus."