One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.