@Nicoleroxxu: One more glass of wine and my "only a lesbian from the waist up" rule is about to go out the window.
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@junejuly12: BREAKING NEWS Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015 Use it while you can, white girls
@DanMentos: billy joel: we didn’t start the fire detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire billy joel: shit
@FakeDeanAccount: I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
@joshcomers: Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.