After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
u spoke cat all this time??????
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’