@ch000ch: one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff's pool]
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@awkwardphilippe: [home depot] employee[yelling]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
@ibid78: [me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo? [the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?
@TheDairylandDon: Once you understand they're unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
@BoomBoomBetty: Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house. But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.