one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
im 7 sauces long
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.