One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
twitter users today:
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park