One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
You Might Also Like
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.