One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
You Might Also Like
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Mountain Goat : )
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.