One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
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Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
White Castle for the Win
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …