One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
this could fix me
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
also my go-to takeaway order
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.