One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me