@FattMernandez: One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
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@QwertyJones3: An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
@friendly_moon: [hostage situation] Any last words? "Nah, I'm good." If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you're prayers. "You are prayers. Lol."
@ManJuggs: If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
@pleatedjeans: At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration