one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Life is a suicide mission.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
men are simple creatures