@myonlymizztake: One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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@dafloydsta: [trying to impress date] HER: I really want to have children. ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.
@murrman5: wife: its ruining date night me: its ruining date night because you're letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
@Mr_Kapowski: 10 year old daughter: I CAN’T FIND MY FREAKING BOOK Me: Excuse me, would you like to rephrase that? 10 year old daughter: I can’t find my fu- Me: Just go look again