One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes