One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.