One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.