One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
You Might Also Like
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see